Excuse me while I journal.....
This week is the one year mark from my last surgery. I was told it would take a full year to recover completely so I've been looking forward to Thursday for a long time now even though I felt pretty much recovered right around the 9 month mark. There were days when I thought this one year mark would never come! It took a good 10 weeks to be up and around and about 6 months before I could go for a short stroll. You can
read about it here and in the
September archives here . The story is much longer than that but it's hard to put it all on paper. I left a lot of the surgery details out.....the pain was incredibly intense. Suffice to say my last surgery is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life, I'm grateful for my kids, I'm grateful for all God has taught me through this trial, and I'm grateful for my husband. This has been a huge "stone of remembrance" (Joshua 4:1-7) for me in my life when it comes to remembering the things God has taken me through. My struggle with this disease continues on and so I'm still learning to trust God through it. Yet, I'm greatly enjoying the freedom I've been enjoying since it has improved my pain so much since surgery. My pain is now manageable. We're able to actually plan trips and I can go to events without having to cancel because of pain.
I've learned that many women who suffer from this disease don't talk about it. It's "silent suffering". I've learned of several women whom I know who have this and I'm amazed at how normal they look when they are with others. Probably how "normal" I seemed when I wasn't home in bed clenching in pain.....it's the
un-talked about disease. The intensity of suffering can be so great for some. Before my last surgery my prescription pain killers (two
norco and a 600 mil. ibuprofen combine) couldn't touch it. There were the cold sweats, the shaking uncontrollably, the stabbing pain, and the nausea, sleeping on the bathroom floor...the being stuck on the sofa for two weeks at a time, unable to stand up straight from the internal bleeding. I remember thinking "I'm going to have to go to the hospital so I can get morphine cause I just can't do this anymore." I needed relief fast. The best advice I can give to someone who is starting to suffer is to not ignore it for years as it gets worse. It grew on me (no pun intended)...the pain did....I slowly got used to it, it would get more intense month after month, year after year, and my pain tolerance grew and it came on so slowly that it just became normal for me. I learned to manage my life around it and then I realized it was becoming my life, controlling my life. Then I remembered a friend suggesting 6 years early that maybe I had
endometriosis.... I had never heard of it so I blew her off. My doctor never suggested that I might have it. Maybe I hid it too well for the doctor...looking normal and all. Silent suffering. I suggested it to the doctor.
The other struggle has been not being able to have more kids because of it. Jon and Em, it's hard to describe in words how wonderful it is to have the experience of raising you, caring for you, and loving you. God has taught me to appreciate the gift of you to the fullest....the way other moms with infertility who don't take their kids for granted do. You've often asked about having more brothers or sisters and I so wish you could have more. That was our plan....."our plan"... 4 for sure, I was talking Dad into 5...an after-thought 6
th would be nice. But this was God's plan, we just didn't know it. I haven't been able to write about this because it's just so hard still. I hesitate as well because it's hard to handle the things people say...the comments, the suggestions, meaning well of course and even the nice things although there's been the insensitive things too....there's just something about talking or voicing things that are painful. Yes, we know about adoption, yes, we are grateful to have one of each-a boy and a girl, yes, we're grateful we got to have at least two, yes, God's plan is always best for our lives, no, we aren't being greedy, yes, we really are parents even though we don't have 4 or 5...... Last year I ran into a lady from my church growing up and she asked how many kids I have. When I answered two, her chin dropped and she couldn't hide the shock on her face and she quickly said, "I always thought you'd have a bunch of kids!" I bore her shock and explained that yes, I'd always wanted a bunch of kids (evidenced to her by my constant babysitting and always being surrounded by children when I was growing up..as a teen I was often seen with someones baby on my hip) but that I wasn't able to have anymore. I was happy to leave the awkward moment but it reminded me that my love for children isn't measured by how many I have.
And there's something strange about struggling with infertility in any way, shape, or form,,,it's not like God hasn't changed "our plans" in other areas of our lives and those weren't as painful for some reason...but there's something about taking childbearing away from a woman. I don't know what it is. Women seem to take this harder then men. Almost like we (women) think we deserve it, that we expect it, that it's our right, that it's something we were already going to get and it was taken away from us. I really don't deserve any kids let alone the two wonderful ones I have....which keeps things in perspective for me. Why does my heart demand it of God? I don't deserve any blessings from God in my life but He is gracious and so He blesses us regardless. Does He give to some more than others based on their merit? No, based on His mercy. Does He take away from some based on their failures? No, based on His mercy. Was Hannah being punished or did God have another plan for her life? He gives and takes away to grow us. It's just another area of our lives for God to show us mercy and to grow us. I wouldn't be who I am today without infertility. Thank you God for making me drink this cup (John 18:11), your will not mine, now please just comfort me. And I know He will.
